A Bit Of A Mess Behind The Curtains
First Mess: L. has been dealing with some work-related nonsense, which I cannot talk about in any detail. What I can say is that it is messing with her head, and that may be the goal of those pushing this nonsense onto her. Neither of us can predict the result, and we lack any confidence in her conditions improving. We also have no plans for what L.’s future would be if the outcome we fear arrives.
Second Mess: My friend A., whom I’ve known since college, has been hospitalized for the past couple of weeks. His state is precarious and complicated by interrelated factors: liver failure, an abscess on his spleen that could be diabetes-related, a blood clot in his lungs, vomiting up blood, and elevated ammonia levels in his blood stream. One of these symptoms is bad enough, but all of them together may be too much to overcome. I honestly don’t know how much longer he has with us; it could be days or weeks.
Third Mess: This is the least worrisome of them all, but I have to mention it anyway. Starting on the evening of Thursday 08-20, I’m on call for a week. My stress levels rise during these weeks because I brace for more calls than actually arrive, and that act of bracing takes its toll. Sleep is fitful, relaxation is sometimes hard to achieve, and I generally don't make many plans to be social until my shift ends.
The Third Mess resides wholly in my head. Unfortunately, the First and Second Messes will be added on top, and while neither of them are internal issues, they’ll soon make the inside of my head a crowded place. Part of me feels that the best way to handle all three messes will be to lean into one of them, as its magnitude may lessen the impact of the other two. This is why I am toying with the idea of visiting A. at his hospital in spite of being on-call. I don’t know how much time he has left, nor do I want to be kicking myself from here to eternity with guilt over not seeing him due to my on-call assignment, particularly if no calls were to come in. I could just as easily work from a hotel room in Iowa City as I could from home in STL, or a coffeeshop, or a library, etc. L. would likely come with me, as a trip like this may get her out of the headspace she’s in now.
More to come.